Soon enough…

If I said that I missed you, it wouldn’t even begin to describe it and really, I don’t think there are any words that ever could.

You see the truth is, since the day that you left I’ve been physically unable to say the words. Almost as though my heart won’t let them come out of my mouth and while I’m well aware of what happened, it’s been over a year now and I still can’t seem to come to terms with the fact that you’re no longer here.

I suppose in a way I should be grateful for the wonders of self preservation and for the most part, I truly am. However, I’m slowly beginning to realise that there is a fine line between self preservation and denial and just between you and me, I have a feeling I may have set up camp right there on the border.

Behind all of the adventures and the pitter patters of teeny tiny little feet, there isn’t a single day that goes by that I don’t wait for you to walk through that front door. There isn’t a single day that I don’t think of you and while I’m slowly beginning to realise that you probably won’t answer the phone each time that I call, ironically enough, it doesn’t stop me from trying.

You see; some days I’m certain you’re just out by the water in your boat, soaking up the sunshine and other days, I almost convince myself that you’re back camping in our favourite spot. Reception is fairly bad out there so we can’t contact you of course, but you’re happy and I know that soon enough, you’ll call. Soon enough, you’ll come back and we’ll spend hours swapping stories while we eat our Salada’s with cheese and tomato, just like we used to.

Soon enough…

Only eventually, soon enough comes and goes and unfortunately, you do not come with it and so the cycle begins again. The waves come crashing down and the pretty little world of make believe I created comes crashing right down with it and yet again, I’m left coming to terms with the fact that no amount of 11:11 wishes will ever bring you back.

Yet still, I daydream of the boats in the ocean and the summers spent camping and with every glance at the numbers on the clock, I wish. I wish and I dream and I let myself live in hope, because despite the reality of it all, a world without you is a world that I cannot even begin to imagine.

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A fleeting moment of magic.

Today, you fell asleep in my arms and I was blessed with a fleeting moment of magic; one of the sweetest, simplest joys that in many ways, you almost come to expect when you have a brand new bundle of your own. Except the thing is, you really aren’t brand new anymore and as much as I wish they weren’t, moments like these are few and far between.

You’re ten months old now; which I’m sure to the rest of the world still sounds so tiny, but to us, you couldn’t be more grown up. Every single day while you need us a little more, there are countless moments where you need us a little less and every single day, the balance between the two shifts. Something that I am still learning to take in my stride.

Some days you brush your own teeth and other days you let me brush them for you.

Some days you sit there quietly, opening your mouth for each and every spoonful of your favourite breakfast treat and other days, you’re constantly trying to steal the spoon and do it for yourself.

Some days you sit there with me, happily rummaging through your toys as you dance along to our favourite music and other days, you’re off exploring the world all on your own.

Some days you smile from ear to ear as I read the adventures of “Little Puppy” and other days, you race to your bookshelf, pull the entire pile down all at once and then you read each one, page by page, all by yourself.

Some days you barely leave my side, desperate to be as close as physically possible and other days, you climb to the top of the stairs all on your own, without ever looking back.

Some days you need me almost a little too much and other days, you hardly need me at all and then every once in a while, there are days like today. Days where in amongst the madness, without even realising it, you gave me one of the greatest gifts of all.

Today, when you tucked your precious little head into my chest, wrapped your legs around my waist and drifted off ever so peacefully into the land of dreams, you took every last little inch of my heart with you and while it may have only been fleeting, in that very moment you made time stand still. ❤️

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The secrets of a twenty-five year old heart.

With just twelve minutes left until the arrival of my twenty-fifth birthday, mixed in amongst all of the excitement is a rather large bundle of overwhelming emotions. Emotions that as always, tell a tale far greater than we ever give them credit for.

At first, I found myself struggling to even comprehend the fact that somehow, the past three years had seemingly disappeared in what was no more than the blink of an eye. However, it didn’t take long for reality to sink in.

One minute I was happily singing along to Tay Swift’s ’22’ anthem with the entire female population and the next, that two of mine had magically grown itself a tail and transformed into a five and just like that, the world as I knew it had changed yet again.

It was about then that my brain started to kick in, relentlessly questioning whether the achievements listed against my name or rather lack there of, truly warranted the number of years I had spent living. Thankfully, it was my heart who answered the question…

You see, despite what the world teaches us to believe is best, for the past twenty-five years my heart has lead the way and honestly, I couldn’t be more grateful.

I’ve played my fair share of hide and seek and I’ve counted constellations in the sky. I’ve skipped breakfast just to have pancakes for dinner and I’ve watched Sweet Home Alabama so many times that even the TV has memorised the words.

I’ve travelled through busy city streets and I’ve camped in quiet country towns. I’ve climbed mountains, swam in beaches and spent entire days curled up on the couch.

I’ve followed my instincts in taking chances and I’ve learnt countless lessons along the way. I’ve said yes, I’ve said no and I’ve had moments where I’ve struggled to simply say anything at all.

I’ve braided Barbie’s hair and I’ve built castles in the sand. I’ve baked a lifetime supply of cupcakes and I’ve seen my fair share of curve balls.

I’ve realised both how quickly and how slowly time passes us by and yet I still haven’t quite grasped the concept of time at all.

I’ve found my once in a blue moon in the sweetest of surprises and I’ve lost my bravest, brightest star.

I’ve marvelled at the beauty in the smallest of things and I’ve fallen head over heels for a beautiful little small thing of my own.

I’ve had twenty-four years with the fullest of hearts beating inside my chest and now, at twenty-five, not only is it roaming freely outside of my body in the lives of the two people who make my world turn, but it’s beginning to burst at the seams.❤️

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One day at a time.

It’s ironic really, that the greatest factor in how we react to time just so happens to be time itself. One minute we’re barely twelve years old, anxiously waiting for the clock to strike 3 o’clock, desperate for life to begin and then all of a sudden we blink and there we are, frantically begging life to slow down.

It should come as no surprise that currently, I am experiencing the latter.

For as long as I can remember I have absolutely adored New Years Eve. Not just for its excessive celebrations, but for everything that it stands for; for the new beginnings, the new adventures and the endless new memories. Only this time around, if I were being honest, it seems to be missing a little bit of sparkle.

You see, this year; while I gained a brand new, beautiful little blessing of my own who I love more than life itself, I also lost one of life’s greatest in the process and while I watched as that brand new little bundle of beginnings splashed the world with colour, I also wept as those very same colours first faded to black and white. While I had my heart filled with more love than I could even begin to imagine, I also had it shatter into a million tiny pieces and despite having a beautiful, blue eyed baby girl who puts those pieces back together on a daily basis, without even realising, there will always be that one piece missing.

You see, 2015 was both the absolute best and the absolute worst year of my life all rolled into one, and while I want nothing more than to start 2016 with an endless string of beautiful memories, the truth is, I’m terrified to close a chapter that holds so much of my heart. I’m terrified that already, an entire year has passed without having heard his voice and I’m terrified that if I blink, it will have been an entire lifetime. I’m terrified of life moving on without him and I’m terrified of the countless milestones that he’s going to miss and yet still, it seems to happen anyway.

You see the truth is, I’m not ready to let go any more than I already have and honestly, I don’t know if I ever will be and the concept of a brand new year knocking right at my doorstep makes that very, very apparent.

Luckily though, for the most part, I have more than enough Angels here on earth for the smiles to overshadow the tears and on the days where that is not quite the case, I just close my eyes and remember our greatest Angel of all. The one who I am certain would be wishing for life to go on just as it always did; one day at a time, and so Dadda, for you, that is exactly what we will do.

2016; a year of treasured moments and brand new memories, one day at a time.

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Our own little ray of sunshine.

Today we said goodbye to one of the most precious little angels that heaven may ever be blessed with and while an unexpected farewell is never easy, when it comes to the life of this particular angel, there were always far more smiles than there were tears and I am pleased to say that today was no exception.

Ninety-four years in an ever changing world and still, she never once lost her magic. With a spirit that outshone that of most people half her age and a smile brighter than the brightest of stars, she had the ability to light up a room in an instant. She adored her vintage necklace collection almost as much as her rainbow coloured handbags and every single time without fail, she would somehow find a way to remind us all just how happy she was to have lived such a long and wonderful life.

She was our own beautiful little ray of sunshine for a great number of years and while very few people are blessed enough to ever have the pleasure of meeting their great relatives, I was lucky enough to create countless memories with not just one, but two of mine and for that, I will be forever thankful.

Ninety-four years worth of smiles, laughter and irreplaceable memories and although she may no longer be with us, it is days like today that remind us all she is never far from sight. Just like always, she is still sparkling and shining quite possibly more than ever before and while the location of the party itself may have moved for the time being, I can guarantee you that her and Grandma are still just as busy swapping stories and causing trouble, almost as though they never missed a beat.

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My very own Serendipity.

For the longest time now, I have been somewhat subconsciously preventing myself from sharing the extent of my new found happiness with the world in fear of hurting someone who to be quite honest, was the biggest part of my life for five wonderful years and while it may have taken me a little longer than I would have liked, it seems I have finally realised that in doing so, the only person I had been hurting was myself.

The truth is, right now I am happier than I ever could have possibly imagined and while for the most part, I am generally the one to take hold of the pen and create my own little realm of magic, it seems that this time around life has decided to create the magic for me; beginning with a fairy-tale so surreal, that even the Princess herself still can’t quite believe that she has actually found her Prince.

A few months ago a boy walked into my life and instantly, he took my breath away. He was unbelievably handsome, incredibly charming and of course at the time, completely unexpected and in what seemed to be the blink of an eye, he had managed to change my entire world.

His smile spoke of a thousand stories without saying but a single word, his beautiful blue eyes whispered the only kind of secrets that I have ever found myself wanting to keep and hidden in behind his dimples were little pieces of magic that I could have sworn I had spent my entire life searching for. He was without a doubt the very piece of the puzzle that I had never even realised I was missing. The piece that instantly, allowed the rest of the puzzle pieces to fall perfectly into place and while our paths had indeed crossed countless times before, this time it was different. This time I was certain that the whole world stood still.

Four years on from that first moment we met and while life had of course happened to us both somewhere along the way, taking each of us in a direction that could not have possibly been any further apart; ironically enough, it seemed as though it had just brought us back together in a way that was so blatantly obvious, it was enough to make even the most cynical of realists believe in the magic of fate and from the very second that my panda eyes met his from across that crowded little room, I realised that I was no exception.

There, in that very moment, it seemed the girl who had always believed in romance and the happiest of ever afters, yet never quite believed in the ‘Serendipity’ of it all had somehow, just fallen head over heels into her very own fated little fairy-tale and while at first, it may not have been anything like she had been expecting, it didn’t take long for her to realise that it was in fact, everything she had been hoping for.

Suddenly, everything she had ever dreamed of was standing right there in front of her, looking at her with a light in his eyes that she had never before seen and instantly, she knew; she had finally found her ‘once in a blue moon’. 

It is no secret that life is in large part, a direct result of timing and for a girl who has struggled with the mere concept alone for as long as she can remember, I would say that I was quite possibly more surprised than anyone by the way that life has so beautifully and so effortlessly fallen perfectly into place, at the exact moment that I needed it to most. Leaving me with such an overwhelming sense of contentment that has me completely and utterly certain that now, more than ever, I am exactly where I am meant to be.

They say that it takes the fall of just one single pebble to cause a thousand tiny ripples in even the deepest of oceans and while I may have first dropped that precious little pebble of change some time ago now, I think it is fairly safe to say that I have never before seen ripples quite this beautiful.

Just one single spark of change followed by one thousand tiny ripples and almost like clockwork, the girl who was always a little lost out there in the big, wide world had never before felt more found; found in a way that she had never quite felt before, in the arms of a boy who constantly leaves her speechless, floating in amongst the wonder of a world that has only just recently been filled with a kind of ‘ever after’ happiness that to be quite honest, she never even knew existed.

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The sum of our ‘some days’.

There are days when I believe without a doubt, that we are indeed the ones who are busy shaping the world and yet still, there are days when I am certain that the world is in fact busy shaping us and I am slowly beginning to realise that more often than not, the two have a habit of colliding.

Some days we rely on the glow of the sun to light the way and other days, we appear to have more than enough inner light to shine entirely on our own.

Some days the worries of the world unintentionally weigh us down and other days, we are so blissfully blessed by the beauty of it all, that it subconsciously radiates from every inch of our being.

Some days there is not a single thing in this world that makes sense to us and we find ourselves almost lost in the haze of confusion and other days, our predestined path becomes so blatantly clear that the footsteps almost begin to walk themselves.

Some days, despite the sea of people surrounding us, we are left feeling helplessly alone and other days, we are reminded that regardless of our circumstance, we have been blessed with more angels than we could ever possibly need.

Some days the world appears to be so damaged and broken that we begin to question just where it was we went wrong and other days, a simple smile from a stranger is enough to renew all hope in humanity.

Some days the mere concept of faith is lost on us entirely and we are left with an endless list of unanswered questions and other days, those questions seem to almost answer themselves; leaving us with an overwhelming sense of contentment that quietly reassures us, all is yet again right in the world.

Some days life knocks us down with such force that we are left doubting whether we will ever find the strength to stand again and other days, we catch ourselves standing so tall and so proud that anything less becomes but a distant memory.

 Some days we find ourselves questioning every decision we have ever made, second guessing not only our thoughts but the endless array of emotions that follow and other days, it’s as though our entire life flashes before our very eyes and we are instantly made aware of the fact that every decision, every so called ‘mistake’ and every dead end road was designed to lead us to this very moment.

Some days we catch ourselves wandering so far off track that we begin to lose sight of the shore and other days, regardless of the direction in which we travel, life rewards us with sunny blue skies and the brightest of rainbows at every twist and turn.

Some days we wake without the faintest idea where the day ahead will take us, lost in the depths of our own dreams and desires and other days, we are free to float carelessly with the breeze, confident in the belief that the wind will carry us to the very place we are destined to be.

Some days we are the one’s to spontaneously surprise the world and other days, the world is the one to sneakily surprise us and more often than not, it becomes questionable as to which way it’s going to fall on any given day.

Some days the story seems to almost instantly write itself and other days, our once perfect pen suddenly runs out of ink. Some days we simply reach for a new one, courageously ready to start over and other days, we persevere with the challenge. Some days we continue to scribble away at the already blank pages, praying for the magic of a miracle and other days, we take a deep breath and we turn towards the next one, hoping beyond hope that this one tells us of a brighter story.

Some days we get lucky and that story spells out the tale of the life we’ve always dreamed of and other days, we get even luckier; stumbling across the makings of a story so unexpectedly magical, that even our imagination would have struggled to believe us.

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The moment the stars aligned.

“Isn’t it funny how day by day, nothing much changes, but when you look back everything is different.” – C.S. Lewis

For a little while now I suppose you could say that I have been doing my best, day by day to simply make sense of the confusion and put one foot in front of the other; hoping beyond hope that I was heading in the right direction and up until now, for the most part, I really had no idea just where it was that I would actually end up.

Now however, for quite possibly the first time in my entire life, I have reached a point of such overwhelming contentment with the world that I am almost lost for words and as cliché as it may sound, honestly, I could not be happier with the way that life is beginning to play out.

All of the confusion, all of the heartache, all of the dead end roads and all of life’s clever little lessons has without a doubt led me to this very moment; the moment the stars aligned and all of the previously jumbled puzzle pieces finally fell together.

The moment when life waved it’s magical little wand over everything I had ever known, creating something so effortlessly beautiful that it almost instantly took my breath away.

Just one swift little wave of magic and sure enough, the Universe had yet again blessed me with something so completely wonderful that no amount of words could even begin to describe. A blessing so rare and so precious that it was almost beyond human comprehension and while I have always believed in the notion that eventually, at some point, I would end up exactly where I was meant to be; now I am completely certain of it.

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More than words.

After hours of reading over endless beautiful words, strung together in sentences of pure magic, I’m beginning to think that perhaps I truly was a writer in a previous life. Perhaps the reason words have such a profound way of consuming my entire being is because in another time, in another world, they did just that on a daily basis. Something which would again, explain the constant daydreams of a world created simply by an adventurous pen, curiously brushing against a series of blank pages.

To others however, their impact can quite often be far less memorable.

To some people, the ocean is their haven and to others, it seems to be the wind behind the trees. To me however, it is and always has been the magical realm of jumbled letters spread so elegantly across a page. Telling the kind of stories that some of us could only dream of; bringing them to life with the spark of but a single, fleeting thought.

To some, they are just words. Words created purely out of habit by the letters they learned as a child and anything beyond that is both irrelevant and non existent. To others however, others like me, they are not only an insight into their inner most thoughts but they are a gateway to their soul, shining light on some of their darkest moments to anyone courageous enought to not only brave the depths of another, but the ripples that may well be caused within the depths of themselves.

More often than not, the beauty of words and the magic behind them is not necessarily hidden within the actual words themselves, nor is it found in the vulnerability behind them, but rather the way in which they unwillingly give us the power to be completely vulnerable within ourselves. The way they give us permission to unknowingly bare a small piece of our soul in a way that we otherwise may never have recognised and in my opinion, the growth that comes alongside that is a rarity. A rarity that should not only be embraced with each passing opportunity, but cherished for the beautiful blessing that it is.

Too often in life we close ourselves off to the world, hiding our most fragile parts in fear of judgement and instead, we parade around a facade of bravery to anyone oblivious enough to accept it. Sometimes however, if we’re lucky, we stumble across someone just brave enough to share a small piece of themselves with the world and every now and again, if we’re really lucky, that spark of bravery sets light to a fire of courage in all those who stumble upon it; simply from a few jumbled up letters spread so elegantly across a page. Letters that if stumbled upon by a curiously adventurous set of eyes, have the very real potential to change the world in an instant.

So while to some, that slight spark of bravery may have simply been but a few meaningless, jumbled words that filled a series of blank pages, to others, those pages may have just been the blank spaces to a story that they have spent nearly their entire life trying to make sense of; a story that now, has an entirely different ending.

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The first day of the rest of my life.

After just one single day of a practitioner training course that I am certain will change my life forever, this is what I have come to know:

1. Sharing your story with a complete stranger, while often slightly difficult, can be rewarding in ways we never could have imagined.

2. Having a complete stranger share their story with you, is a privilege that can open your eyes to a sense of understanding and empathy that no amount of words could ever fully express.

3. I am lucky, so incredibly lucky.

4. Life affects us all individually, often to varying degrees.

5. A day that has been ‘filled’ does not always mean that your days are being fulfilled.

6. Genuine authenticity in regards to a persons nature, speaks in ways that words simply cannot.

7. It is often our most painful experiences that lead us to our most rewarding lessons.

8. Believing we understand something and actually understanding that particular something are two very, very different things.

9. While extremely intelligent, the human mind has a tendency to wander.

10. Staying true to ourselves is far more important than we may ever realise.

11. Despite the constant thoughts that often lead us to believe otherwise, happiness is always within reach.

12. Ironically enough, emotions are not what confuse us most in life, but rather the thoughts we develop in order to reason them with.

13. Regardless of those thoughts, at the end of the day, sometimes our feelings will simply defy all logic; we should trust them anyway.

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