Over the space of this past long weekend, whilst happily wasting the days away with my amazing boyfriend, the entire house to ourselves and not a single care in the world, I realised something. Although two and a half years of Chronic Fatigue had left me with a newfound appreciation for everyday life, it had also left me with a habit that unfortunately, up until now I wasn’t quite aware of.
Somewhere between living a life where I was too sick to even dress myself and a life where I was finally beginning to feel well again, I had forgotten what it felt like to just let go. I had forgotten what it felt like to be crazy, to be carefree and to simply enjoy the moment. At just twenty-two years of age, I had forgotten how to have fun.
Somewhere along the way I had managed to get myself into a routine. A routine where by means of self preservation, my mind would automatically tell my body that I was unable to participate, simply because in 99.99% of cases my fragile state meant that it was physically impossible to do so.
Now however, I am pleased to say that things are finally beginning to change.
After having spent almost a year in a state of recovery, my body is no longer as fragile as it once was and participating in those simple, everyday activities is actually beginning to become possible again. The tricky part now has been trying to convince my mind to stop second guessing my body and to trust that after all of this time, I really am strong enough again. Something that after this weekend, I think I have well and truly achieved.
Not only did I have the time of my life this weekend, but for the first time in years I had a tickle war with my boyfriend and somehow actually managed to fight back, without physically breaking. I rode down my hallway on a skateboard, without ending up in hospital. I played Wii-Sports with one of the most competitive boys I know, without my body falling apart. I balanced on a wooden fence at the beach, without someone having to hold me up. I played tug-a-war with my Matilda and her brand new Easter Bunny, without falling to the ground in a heap. I laughed uncontrollably, almost to the point of tears, without sleeping for hours after and for the first time in a really, really long time, I actually had fun without the fear of my entire body shutting down.
For the first time in a really, really long time, I no longer felt as though I was watching the excitement of life pass me by. Instead, for the first time in what felt like an eternity, I was certain that the fun was only just beginning again.