If you were to ask an athlete just before his Olympic debut, an artist just before the opening of her very first gallery, a musician just before he performs to his first sold out crowd or a bride just before she takes her first steps down the aisle, the odds are that they will all tell you the same thing. That wonderful, fleeting moment that they are all about to experience, although it may indeed be a first, has been imagined countless times before. So many times in fact that when it comes down to actually living out that very same life defining moment, it becomes almost overwhelmingly surreal.

For me, yesterday held the importance of a moment somewhat similar. A moment that for the past three years I have been imagining day in and day out. A moment that in the back of my mind I had well and truly perfected, right down to the very last little detail. Unfortunately however, with the gift of time comes the burden of expectation and as we are all well aware, high expectations often have a way of ending in disappointment.

Needless to say, on this particular Sunday morning after three years of patiently waiting, expectations and emotions were running at an all time high.

At first, it felt wonderful. Finally stepping back out onto that beautiful green grass to a game that I had missed more than words could say, was unlike anything I had ever felt before and despite only being out there for a little over an innings, in that very moment I was the happiest girl in the world. After the game had ended however, I was hit with a wave of emotions that to be perfectly honest, was far from wonderful. A wave of emotions that at the time, I was in no way ready for.

Sure, the wave of excitement I could handle, the extreme pride I could relish in and even the sudden exhaustion was something that I had expected, but the overwhelming sense of disappointment that was beginning to take over had completely caught me off guard. After a moment so wonderful and so memorable, what was this sudden wave of sadness?

Then it hit me; perhaps it had all just happened too fast.

Three very long years of building up this very moment into a beautiful, magical, perfect memory and then just like that, in the blink of an eye it was over.

Three years of using this very moment as a benchmark for my recovery and yet strangely enough, it appeared as though nothing had changed at all. Between waking up that morning and going to sleep that night, the world had not changed in the slightest. Angels did not fall from the heavens, fireworks did not light up the sky and coincidently enough, the whole world did not stop in celebration. It had seemed that despite my imagination telling me otherwise, one single innings of baseball was not going to magically change my life.

Despite my imagination doing its best to play tricks on me, the girl who had just lived out that very moment still has not quite reached full health and unfortunately, no amount of daydreaming is going to change that. Instead, it is yet again a simple matter of time and as much as I had hoped and prayed that this very moment would symbolise the beginning of the end; instead, it appears to be just another hurdle in amongst this seemingly never ending obstacle course and at the end of the day, that is completely okay.

At the end of the day, that is one hurdle closer to the finish line than I was the day before and at this stage of the game, that is more than I could ask for.

So while on this particular day angels may not have fallen from the heavens, fireworks may not have lit up the sky and the whole world may not have stopped in celebration; it just so happens that a few of my favourite angels were already there, with smiles almost as bright as mine and despite only playing for a brief and shining moment, it was that very same moment that had me feeling on top of the world. A moment that I can say with absolute certainty, has been my proudest strike out yet.

Fifty years ago on this very day, a beautiful baby girl was born. A beautiful baby girl with perfect blue eyes and a heart of absolute gold who was destined to set the world on fire. A beautiful baby girl who would one day, grow up to be one of the greatest blessings that this world had ever seen. However, despite being given the gift of both beauty and brains, a steadfast career was never part of her life plan. Instead, she was chosen for something much, much greater.

With a list of qualities that stretched out longer than the yellow brick road and enough love to fill an entire ocean, it was easy to see that she was born for something special.

From the very first moment that she stepped foot on this Earth, it had already been unanimously decided; this beautiful baby girl was born to be a Mumma. A Mumma who with the help of what just happened to be the world’s most wonderful Dadda, would one day grow up to gracefully and selflessly raise two tiny little babies.

Two tiny little babies who would not only grow up to be the very best of friends, but who would someday come to realise that they truly did have the whole world in the palm of their hands. A breathtakingly beautiful world that had been created entirely out of love, by what was quite possibly the most precious Angel to ever walk this Earth. An Angel who those two tiny little babies grew up proudly pointing at and smiling, boasting to the world “That’s my Mumma”

Fifty years ago on this very day, one beautiful, blue-eyed baby girl changed the world forever. A beautiful baby girl who unbeknownst to her, would grow up to make an impact even bigger than she ever could have imagined.

A beautiful baby girl who would one day, grow up to be an even more beautiful Mumma. A Mumma who those two tiny little babies could not possibly imagine their lives without. A Mumma who in loving with every single ounce of her being, had in turn, taught them how to love with every single ounce of theirs. A Mumma who without even realising at the time, gave those two tiny little babies such a profound perspective on the world that despite the seasons constantly changing, their outlook on the world did not.

A Mumma who every single day made their lives just that little bit brighter, simply by being her beautiful, amazing, one of a kind self. A Mumma who those two tiny little babies have loved unconditionally, since the very first moment that they met. A Mumma so beautiful and so precious, that they wouldn’t trade her for the world.

Happy 50th Birthday Mumma, we love you to the moon and back! xx

As we find ourselves facing different situations throughout the course of our lives, it becomes almost second nature for us to develop expectations. Expectations which more often than not, are a direct result of our past experiences.

With that being said, it was no surprise that my expectations heading into my very first baseball training in over three years, became one of overwhelming uncertainty. Given my current track record of ‘one step forward, three steps back’ I suppose you could say that I was beginning to question just what I had gotten myself into.

I am proudly pleased to say however, that for one of the very first times on this seemingly never ending rollercoaster of a ride, that I have managed to surprise myself in the best way possible.

Not only did I calmly pace myself in a way that allowed me to last the entire length of the training session; excluding of course the small piece that I may or may not have missed due to my lack of time management skills, but despite not actually participating in every single activity, there was not a single moment during the course of the night where I felt even slightly like an outsider. Something that I never for a moment expected to experience so early on in the season.

More importantly though was the fact that almost miraculously, I managed to achieve something that to be perfectly honest, I had already deemed ‘near impossible’ at this current stage of my recovery.

Now while it may come as no secret that for the past few months I have been spending every off week doing light training with my stud of a boyfriend; training where for a reason unbeknownst to me throwing had continued to remain the top priority, Jasper had not quite made his way out of retirement and into the picture until of course, tonight.

Tonight, for the first time in three very long years, I found myself stepping back up to the plate and overlooking my field of dreams. However unlike my previous ‘at home sessions’ this time the pitches that were about to be thrown weren’t just wiffle balls and this time, I wasn’t just holding a plastic bat. This time it was the real deal.

As expected with a tummy full of butterflies, the very first pitch over the plate I of course somewhat gracefully, swung and missed. The second pitch however, was a completely different story. With every ounce of energy that I had left, I smiled, braced myself and again I swung, hoping for the best and this time that is exactly what I got.

This time, not only did the ball not end up somewhere close to the back net, but instead it rather happily made its way out onto the infield. An outcome that considering I had my doubts about my ability to even swing the bat, I never for a moment expected.

Coincidently enough however, just like the second pitch across the plate that night; the third, the fourth, the fifth, the sixth, the seventh, the eighth, the ninth and I believe even the tenth also managed to make contact with my bat and surprisingly enough, flutter their way out onto the field.

As you can imagine the smile was instantaneous and just like that, in the space of one single evening, my least favourite aspect of the game three years ago had ironically just become my favourite and while this may have only been the first training session of many, I can say with absolute certainty that I am now more excited than ever.

Now, not only do I have my two favourite boys right there beside me, but after tonight I have a newly discovered and quietly beautiful sense of confidence that just between you and me, has been missing for far, far too long.

Tomorrow will be Thursday, September 5th; a day that while I’m sure most will consider to be boring and uneventful, probably similar to every other typical Thursday, for me it happens to be quite the opposite.

Tomorrow will be a day that will undoubtedly go down in history as the day that Samantha Jane finally walked back out onto a baseball field for her first real life training session. A day that believe it or not, has been three years in the making.

Excited does not even begin to describe it.

Right now though, just to give you a little bit of an idea, it currently feels as though I am five years old again and I’ve just woken up on Christmas morning to find a beautiful, brand new bicycle just waiting under the tree. A bicycle that I have been begging Santa to deliver quite possibly every single day, for about as long as I can remember. Coincidently enough however, the bicycle has arrived minus the all important training wheels and despite feeling overwhelmingly anxious about this minor detail, the Christmas excitement appears to have completely taken over and all I can think about is taking it for a ride.

Before that happens however, there is still one tiny little problem. Just between you and I, I’m not quite sure whether I’m able to ride without the training wheels just yet and despite the general consensus that you never really forget how to ride a bicycle, at just five years old I am more than a little bit concerned as to whether or not I’ll remember everything that I need to. Concerned that perhaps Santa may have been slightly wrong this time around and that perhaps we shouldn’t have taken those training wheels off so soon after all.

Luckily though, this is about where my five year old voice of reason kicks in, just in time to remind myself that it’s Christmas morning. A day that comes around once every three hundred and sixty-five days and here I am, face to face with something I have been dreaming of for approximately one thousand, one hundred and ninety-five days; something that I have wanted more than anything in this whole entire world.

Really, what more could a girl ask for?

At worst, we fall off the bicycle and we do our best to pick ourselves back up again. At best, it’s nothing but smooth sailing and we have the absolute time of our lives. Either way, at the end of the day we still have that beautiful, brand new bicycle that we’ve been dreaming of forever and it’s still Christmas Day, what’s not to smile about?

For the longest time, less than unfortunate life circumstances have forced me to take somewhat of a backseat when it comes to participating in day to day activities. So much so that without even realising, much to my disappointment, my daily response to anything and everything had gone from a ‘yes, maybe’ to a universal ‘no’ almost overnight.

Catching up with old friends, going out to meet new friends, lunch dates, movie dates, spontaneous late nights out, beach walks, friendly phone calls, shopping trips, physical activities and more often than not, even 99.99% of non physical activities. Basically, you name it, I couldn’t participate and as heartbreaking as it was, it happened so frequently that eventually it just became the norm. Eventually those heartbreakingly disappointing words would escape my mouth without so much as a second thought.

Slowly but surely however, as my body became stronger I began to question that universal response and every now and again I found myself taking a leap of faith and once in a blue moon, trusting my body enough to say yes. A leap of faith that thankfully as time went by, eventually began to pay off.

Slowly but surely that yes became a more frequent occurrence until eventually, it no longer required a blue moon. Eventually, somewhere along the way at a point that I don’t actually recall, that universal response had changed completely. Somewhere along the way without even realising, I had begun to not only happily respond with a ‘yes’ to almost anything and everything, but I was now doing so without constantly second guessing myself. I was now finally able to begin participating in life again and it was happening with an overwhelming sense of ease.

Somewhere along the way, that girl who had spent far too long sitting on the sidelines of life whilst constantly explaining her limitations, had almost magically transformed into a girl who was slowly but surely remaking herself a very, very long list of firsts.

Her very first walk, her very first flight of stairs, her very first doctor’s graduation, her very first real throw, her very first proper swing, her very first walk along the beach, her very first little run, her very first tennis match, her very first bowling game and quite possibly her favourite one yet; her very first sign that finally, the long awaited light at the end of the tunnel was now closer than ever before.

Slowly but surely she had transformed herself into a girl who was finally making her way back out into the world. A blonde haired, hazel eyed, twenty-two year old girl with a brand new lease on life. A girl with an ever-growing smile spread across her face, a newly discovered desire for adventure and the confidence to finally take those first few baby steps out of her comfort zone and into the big wide world; a world that for the past three years she has been dying to explore.