If I said that I missed you, it wouldn’t even begin to describe it and really, I don’t think there are any words that ever could.

You see the truth is, since the day that you left I’ve been physically unable to say the words. Almost as though my heart won’t let them come out of my mouth and while I’m well aware of what happened, it’s been over a year now and I still can’t seem to come to terms with the fact that you’re no longer here.

I suppose in a way I should be grateful for the wonders of self preservation and for the most part, I truly am. However, I’m slowly beginning to realise that there is a fine line between self preservation and denial and just between you and me, I have a feeling I may have set up camp right there on the border.

Behind all of the adventures and the pitter patters of teeny tiny little feet, there isn’t a single day that goes by that I don’t wait for you to walk through that front door. There isn’t a single day that I don’t think of you and while I’m slowly beginning to realise that you probably won’t answer the phone each time that I call, ironically enough, it doesn’t stop me from trying.

You see; some days I’m certain you’re just out by the water in your boat, soaking up the sunshine and other days, I almost convince myself that you’re back camping in our favourite spot. Reception is fairly bad out there so we can’t contact you of course, but you’re happy and I know that soon enough, you’ll call. Soon enough, you’ll come back and we’ll spend hours swapping stories while we eat our Salada’s with cheese and tomato, just like we used to.

Soon enough…

Only eventually, soon enough comes and goes and unfortunately, you do not come with it and so the cycle begins again. The waves come crashing down and the pretty little world of make believe I created comes crashing right down with it and yet again, I’m left coming to terms with the fact that no amount of 11:11 wishes will ever bring you back.

Yet still, I daydream of the boats in the ocean and the summers spent camping and with every glance at the numbers on the clock, I wish. I wish and I dream and I let myself live in hope, because despite the reality of it all, a world without you is a world that I cannot even begin to imagine.