If I said that I missed you, it wouldn’t even begin to describe it and really, I don’t think there are any words that ever could.

You see the truth is, since the day that you left I’ve been physically unable to say the words. Almost as though my heart won’t let them come out of my mouth and while I’m well aware of what happened, it’s been over a year now and I still can’t seem to come to terms with the fact that you’re no longer here.

I suppose in a way I should be grateful for the wonders of self preservation and for the most part, I truly am. However, I’m slowly beginning to realise that there is a fine line between self preservation and denial and just between you and me, I have a feeling I may have set up camp right there on the border.

Behind all of the adventures and the pitter patters of teeny tiny little feet, there isn’t a single day that goes by that I don’t wait for you to walk through that front door. There isn’t a single day that I don’t think of you and while I’m slowly beginning to realise that you probably won’t answer the phone each time that I call, ironically enough, it doesn’t stop me from trying.

You see; some days I’m certain you’re just out by the water in your boat, soaking up the sunshine and other days, I almost convince myself that you’re back camping in our favourite spot. Reception is fairly bad out there so we can’t contact you of course, but you’re happy and I know that soon enough, you’ll call. Soon enough, you’ll come back and we’ll spend hours swapping stories while we eat our Salada’s with cheese and tomato, just like we used to.

Soon enough…

Only eventually, soon enough comes and goes and unfortunately, you do not come with it and so the cycle begins again. The waves come crashing down and the pretty little world of make believe I created comes crashing right down with it and yet again, I’m left coming to terms with the fact that no amount of 11:11 wishes will ever bring you back.

Yet still, I daydream of the boats in the ocean and the summers spent camping and with every glance at the numbers on the clock, I wish. I wish and I dream and I let myself live in hope, because despite the reality of it all, a world without you is a world that I cannot even begin to imagine.

Today, you fell asleep in my arms and I was blessed with a fleeting moment of magic; one of the sweetest, simplest joys that in many ways, you almost come to expect when you have a brand new bundle of your own. Except the thing is, you really aren’t brand new anymore and as much as I wish they weren’t, moments like these are few and far between.

You’re ten months old now; which I’m sure to the rest of the world still sounds so tiny, but to us, you couldn’t be more grown up. Every single day while you need us a little more, there are countless moments where you need us a little less and every single day, the balance between the two shifts. Something that I am still learning to take in my stride.

Some days you brush your own teeth and other days you let me brush them for you.

Some days you sit there quietly, opening your mouth for each and every spoonful of your favourite breakfast treat and other days, you’re constantly trying to steal the spoon and do it for yourself.

Some days you sit there with me, happily rummaging through your toys as you dance along to our favourite music and other days, you’re off exploring the world all on your own.

Some days you smile from ear to ear as I read the adventures of “Little Puppy” and other days, you race to your bookshelf, pull the entire pile down all at once and then you read each one, page by page, all by yourself.

Some days you barely leave my side, desperate to be as close as physically possible and other days, you climb to the top of the stairs all on your own, without ever looking back.

Some days you need me almost a little too much and other days, you hardly need me at all and then every once in a while, there are days like today. Days where in amongst the madness, without even realising it, you gave me one of the greatest gifts of all.

Today, when you tucked your precious little head into my chest, wrapped your legs around my waist and drifted off ever so peacefully into the land of dreams, you took every last little inch of my heart with you and while it may have only been fleeting, in that very moment you made time stand still. ❤️

It’s ironic really, that the greatest factor in how we react to time just so happens to be time itself. One minute we’re barely twelve years old, anxiously waiting for the clock to strike 3 o’clock, desperate for life to begin and then all of a sudden we blink and there we are, frantically begging life to slow down.

It should come as no surprise that currently, I am experiencing the latter.

For as long as I can remember I have absolutely adored New Years Eve. Not just for its excessive celebrations, but for everything that it stands for; for the new beginnings, the new adventures and the endless new memories. Only this time around, if I were being honest, it seems to be missing a little bit of sparkle.

You see, this year; while I gained a brand new, beautiful little blessing of my own who I love more than life itself, I also lost one of life’s greatest in the process and while I watched as that brand new little bundle of beginnings splashed the world with colour, I also wept as those very same colours first faded to black and white. While I had my heart filled with more love than I could even begin to imagine, I also had it shatter into a million tiny pieces and despite having a beautiful, blue eyed baby girl who puts those pieces back together on a daily basis, without even realising, there will always be that one piece missing.

You see, 2015 was both the absolute best and the absolute worst year of my life all rolled into one, and while I want nothing more than to start 2016 with an endless string of beautiful memories, the truth is, I’m terrified to close a chapter that holds so much of my heart. I’m terrified that already, an entire year has passed without having heard his voice and I’m terrified that if I blink, it will have been an entire lifetime. I’m terrified of life moving on without him and I’m terrified of the countless milestones that he’s going to miss and yet still, it seems to happen anyway.

You see the truth is, I’m not ready to let go any more than I already have and honestly, I don’t know if I ever will be and the concept of a brand new year knocking right at my doorstep makes that very, very apparent.

Luckily though, for the most part, I have more than enough Angels here on earth for the smiles to overshadow the tears and on the days where that is not quite the case, I just close my eyes and remember our greatest Angel of all. The one who I am certain would be wishing for life to go on just as it always did; one day at a time, and so Dadda, for you, that is exactly what we will do.

2016; a year of treasured moments and brand new memories, one day at a time.

Today I am headed down the coast for seven nights of pure bliss in one of my favourite, fancy little resorts and to be quite honest, I could not be more excited. Given the rather unfortunate events as of late, I suppose you could say that a family holiday is slightly overdue and I think I can speak for all of us when I say that this time around, we will certainly be making the most of it.

This time around, all of those daily stresses are going to be tossed aside and in their place will be days filled with endless smiles and sunshine.

Days spent frolicking on the beach without a care in the world.

Days spent roaming the market stalls, getting lost in the constant flurry of people.

Days spent relaxing by the pool with a bowl full of watermelon and my favourite ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul.’

Days spent shopping up a storm with my favourite partner in crime.

Days spent lazing around the hotel, swapping between endless amounts of board games and epic movie marathons.

Days spent spontaneously exploring the world, hand in hand with my very own Prince Charming and of course last but certainly not least; countless nights spent with my favourite people, staying up far too late, making far too much noise, having the absolute time of our lives.

The long awaited family holiday of 2013; you could not have arrived at a more perfect time!

As you are probably already aware, I happen to have the most amazing boyfriend in what I am sure to be, the whole entire world. A boy who not only treats me like an absolute princess, but who looks at me in a way that no one else ever has before. A boy who I am completely and utterly head over heels in love with.

However, after almost five wonderful years together, a recent evening spent in a rather large Timezone has well and truly proven that the days of ‘letting your girlfriend win’ are long gone. Unfortunately, they have been replaced by the typical competitive nature of the infamous male species. So much so, that by the time we had reached the three hour mark, I still had not won a single game. Statistics that believe it or not, had me far from impressed.

Now, despite not being a fan of your typical shooting games, I did my best to put on my ‘good girlfriend’ hat, as I put my feelings aside for the evening and began competing against what just happened to be the most competitive person I have ever known. Game after game and yet still, he was not showing any signs of weakening. In fact, if anything, I think as time passed, he was becoming stronger.

Needless to say, after countless losses on my part, my anger was increasing at a rapid pace, as was his laughter and as much as he thought otherwise, the constant “You’re really cute when you’re angry, you know that right?” was not at all helping the matter.

To be honest, I’m not quite sure what he expected would happen, but given that he was shooting every animal in sight before I even had a chance to pull the trigger, a tantrum of epic proportions was inevitable, to say the least. Luckily however, for everyone involved, the gun was securely attached to the game, making it near impossible for me to throw it too far. Although, let’s just say that next time, for safety reasons, I’m sure he’ll be thinking twice about disregarding the advised ‘let your girlfriend win a few’ rule.

“Amazing food, new experiences, uncontrollable laughter, stomach full of butterflies, unexpected conversations, sore feet, new friends, recurring memories and a constant smile the next day.”

Who would’ve thought that those twenty-five little words that somehow won us this magical trip of a lifetime would turn out to be the very same twenty-five words that could coincidently, be used to almost perfectly describe it?

Last minute flights and mid-air friendships.

Fancy hotels and little old drivers in sparkling limousines.

In room hair and make-up with a lovely London treasure and spontaneous visits by a hometown favourite.

Little black dresses and pretty high heels.

Red carpet entrance and bachelors galore.

Crazy loud music and a room filled with people.

Broken high heels and brand new Guess jeans.

Late night taxi rides and far too many photos.

Early morning check outs and beautiful beach walks.

Lunch in beach front restaurant fit for a queen and delicious deserts as grand as her castle.

Limousine tours back to the airport and sunset flights, floating back to reality.

 ———-

Just twenty-five words that almost magically, led to thirty wonderful hours of unexpected adventures; unexpected adventures shared between two childhood best friends who to be quite honest, never saw it coming.

I suppose that’s how life works though. Every now and again, in the middle of our everyday lives, our luck changes for just long enough to allow life to throw something so wonderful our way, that more often than not, we are almost certain it is too good to be true.

This time though, this time it was true.

Despite slightly resembling a Gollywog at the beginning of his career, I think it is safe to say that now, a few years on, he has well and truly blossomed; to say the least.

With arms that literally take your breath away, perfect golden brown skin that glistens like the sunshine and a smile that lights up his whole entire face, I suppose you could say that I have developed yet another embarrassing celebrity crush.

This time though, even I was somewhat taken by surprise.

It seemed as though that young, lost little boy who once had us all a little confused, had almost magically turned into a man, in what seemed to be the blink of an eye. A man who had become so confident and so sure of himself, that you just couldn’t help but fall a little bit in love.

Sure, he had the voice of an angel, but standing there on that stage just metres away, I can honestly say that his voice was not the only thing holding my attention. Let’s just say that boy has rhythm and my goodness, can he dance.

The highlight though, which I suppose you could say is one of the perks of having front row seats, would have to have been the world renowned ‘hand touch’. Now, while he did happen to lean out and touch me; not once, not twice, but three times, it would have to have been the way that he touched my Mumma that was the most special of them all. So soft, so gentle and so genuine, it was almost as though he had chosen her from the crowd.

Needless to say, he well and truly made her night and while mine was about to be made by a lovely little drummer who was heading over to hand me his very last drumstick from the evening, it seemed that an elderly lady of what appeared to be Asian decent, obviously had other plans. There he was, reaching out toward me and there she was, almost ripping it from my hands.

On the plus side though, at the very least, there was still a lesson learned; appearances can quite often be misleading. Just because they may look to be elderly and innocent, does not always mean that is the case.

So Mrs Drumstick thief, while you may have won this round, next time, I will be ready.